Zierath: Lord of the Alliance

I have been working on this particular novel/storyline for about fifteen years. Originally, it was going to be three novels with each novel containing a dozen different character's point of view and following each of their adventures as they came up on the final battle.

As I put it into IUniverse, I was told that I have way too many characters with way too many points of view. I could certainly see where they were coming from. So I have taken what was three novels and split them up into nine or so smaller novels. Of course, for each of these smaller novels, I now have to create more material to more fully develop the characters.

The first of these new novels created from the original Castle Zierath novel is 'Zierath: Lord of the Alliance. It follows Zierath through the first part of the epic happenings.

I have been fighting, however, with my own communication problems, and I need help.

As I said earlier, I have been immersed in my world for at least 15 years. More actually. I first came up with the term 'Castle Zierath' 18 years ago. I know the world and the characters very well, and I can see them vividly. I need help letting me know when I'm not telling you the vivid picture. For instance, when I introduced the Stone Rook character late in the book, I just called him by name. I did not describe him, and this came as quite a shock to me. I had a vivid image in my mind, and did not pass it on. I'm looking for people to read it and tell me where I'm missing it.

Also, I am dealing with passive voice. I spent many years softening my tone in my one-on-one communication to the point of ridiculousness, and, unfortunately, I have brought the passive voice to my writing. The problem is, I don't even recognize it when I do it. I need to have people go through and help me see it and make suggestions on how to fix it.

I am turning to you, my friends, to help me. I will cheerfully email you a copy of the most recent draft and turn you loose on it. Please go through my novel. Fix things in red – either highlight or change. Point out or correct passive voice. Point out or correct bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Point out weak descriptions or no descriptions. I see it all vividly in my head, but I’ve noticed some places I haven’t described the characters or the setting. Point confusing or conflicting parts of the story.

An be honest; let me know what you think.

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it. It’s not easy to ask for help.